Awake.

I am in love with love.
Everything  about it, I adore.
That seems to get me into alot of trouble.
I'm the most open yet horribly guarded person you will ever meet.
I'll tell you everything and anything about me.
But I can't trust you as far as I can throw you. Ever.
&& Thats not a good thing :/
I just feel like everyone is eventually going to screw you over in the end..so why bother?
On the other hand I want so badly to believe in a person who can prove me wrong.
Its weird, right?
Someday's I'm so on fire for love! and YEAH! LOVE! WAHOO!
and the next day, I'm absolutely positive I'm never going to get married and I'm going to forever be lonely.
Its becoming more and more clear to me that "love" doesn't have any type of definition.
At all really.
You love someone at the start of a relationship- no.
Thats infatuation.
You most likely don't even know the person that well.
You have nothing, except the feel-good notion that everything is somewhat new.
You can't keep your hand off eachother, all you want to do is spend every second in their presence...
its all lusty infatuation.
Usually when the 'honeymoon' stage is over, you see the negatives to that person, but in the last 3-9 months that you've known them, you've developed a friendship.
So, naturally, you feel the need to care for this person- yet the newness has been worn off.
You fight, argue-
before you know it, you're too deep in.
There's created baggage between you, though you won't or refuse to recognize it until forced to.
You have to care for this person because of what you once had.
- This is my biggest fear.
I absolutely hate it.
Things just running out of energy&life.
Thats when the grass starts looking alot greener on the other side.
and what if the other person doesn't feel the same way?
viceversa.
This scares me.
Its like a circle of unrealistic scenarios.
Maybe its because I haven't seen it, but relationships never last.
Everyone 'moves on' and leaves.
People do terrible things to each other.
To the people they 'love'.
I'm scared.
I guess that's the word I'll use... for lack of a better term.
I'm scared to death.



































 

Pringles and Shots.

/SAdhfjkasghldkgjljksdaghas;kghkjhsa.
So much going through my mind!

I have 14 days left until I'm a senior and I LOVELOVELOVE it.
Summer means so much... good & bad...and I'm a little apprehensive. I need a job. I need a car. I can't wait to spend all day in the sun. This year is also going to be different for many reasons. I actually have to figure alot of things out. Like... what I'm doing with my life, who I might spend it with, where I'll be doing all of this at. Scary and exciting at the same time.
I love my life though... don't get me wrong. There isn't anything I would change. Well, almost. I'm so dreading Samuel leaving for NC for two months. We're in the honeymoon-so-in-love phase of our relationship and everything is beautiful and I'm afraid this may mess things up. I pray it doesn't, but you can't ever be sure of the unknown. Two months is a long time in general, but two months of summer is even longer. We're not bad people, but we are human. Two months, four states away, constantly surrounded by other people... Its scary. I sure as hell know neither of us want hurt, but sometimes circumstances are everything. I love the kid to death, I do. But especially when ALL of your friends are in relationships... its really hard to not have the person you love there too. Its a bit of a gamble. You kinda put your heart on the line with distance, especially this early in a relationship. To be honest, It really scares me. At the same time.... this is something so good. Samuel James, you are everything I could ask for and more. You make me the happiest. But, thats about all I have to say right now.