Sunshine

muscles.

Who the fuck are you to look me in the eyes and lie to me for a fucking year. You disgust me. You are a pig. Scum. Lower than fucking dirt. I can't comprehend how you can fuck someone, with full knowledge that saving it for us to have together was one of the most important aspects of our entire relationship. Worse part is, I gave you chances to tell me. I looked you dead in the eyes and asked you, pleaded, begged you to tell me the truth. You didn't even have enough respect to fucking even give me that. All the while telling me, I need to be a better fucking girlfriend. I NEEDED to put out. That you loved me. That you protected me. That you respected me. That you would never hurt me. What a fucking joke. I regret every I love you. Every I trust you. Every plan. Every memory. At this point, I'm done crying for you. Because I fucking deserve better than your life will even come close to giving me. I thank God above I never gave you all of me. I knew it. I knew it all along and I couldn't bring myself to admit it because I was willing to forgive and forget. Because that's what fucking love does to you. It fucking blinds you. All the cliches, sayings... they're not just bullshit. Its the fucking truth.Too bad for you. I hope you feel like shit for the rest of your life. I hope you never live this down. No, I don't have to wish this upon you, karma's got you taken care of. Trust me. In the end, I win. I didn't lose something irreplaceable to fuck a cunt who meant nothing. I didn't and don't have to live with a guilty conscience. I don't have to have your whole family know about my faults. I don't have to live every motherfucking day knowing that I lost the best thing that ever happened to me. I see who you really are now and, I don't know you. You're not who I fell for. But, I guess he left a long time ago.  I hope it gives you pure hell to watch the best thing you ever had walk away. I get to walk away with the satisfaction that I didn't bend my values to your selfishness. I get to know that even with all of the great memories and feelings you gave me, someone else can give me that better than you. I don't feel sad. I'm not angry. I don't even want revenge. I feel sorry for you, and that tops every other emotion. I'll forever be the-one-who-got-away. Eat your heart out.

song.

Hard as these past few days have been, its a damn good thing. I guess I'd forgotten who I was.
I'm the happy one.
I'm the carefree one.
I'm the one who loves to sing.
I'm the one who does what she pleases because it makes her happy and doesn't give a damn whether or not you like it. 
I'm the beautiful one.
I'm the happy one because I deserve it.
Nevermind my father called me a slut.
Nevermind my two year relationship wouldn't work because I wouldn't put out enough.
Nevermind my grades are lower than shit.
Fuck you.
I'm doing just fine.
I feel high. I feel light. I feel swell.
This past year already seems like a blur of gray. Plagued with some unsatisfied idea of rejection, hate, revenge, dullness. I almost forgot about every ambition I've ever had. I almost forgot about every passion I've held. All for what? Absolutely fucking nothing. I'm a hot mess of passion and feeling and I love it. I'm addicted to it. Ups and downs. I'm ready.
I want to live my life for me.
I want to walk the streets of New York City and spend every dime to my name.
I want a random hook up in Paris.
I want to get lost in a vineyard in Italy. 
I want to experience hunger and thirst in a third world country.
I want to sit alone in a bar and listen to anyone who wants to tell me a story.
I want to meet my hero.
I want to create something that will outlive me.
I can be inlove with me, and that can be enough.
I have no direction. I want the north as well as the east like west as bad as the south.
The best part of an end is the beginning.