Bittersweet Symphony

Laura Gwen Hagen

You are my sister, soul mate, keeper of my secrets, and other half.

No amount of useless words or blogging will even begin to cover the things we've been through. Every step of my life has included you and I am so blessed to call you my Best Friend.

Happy Eighteenth Birthday.

Awake.

I am in love with love.
Everything  about it, I adore.
That seems to get me into alot of trouble.
I'm the most open yet horribly guarded person you will ever meet.
I'll tell you everything and anything about me.
But I can't trust you as far as I can throw you. Ever.
&& Thats not a good thing :/
I just feel like everyone is eventually going to screw you over in the end..so why bother?
On the other hand I want so badly to believe in a person who can prove me wrong.
Its weird, right?
Someday's I'm so on fire for love! and YEAH! LOVE! WAHOO!
and the next day, I'm absolutely positive I'm never going to get married and I'm going to forever be lonely.
Its becoming more and more clear to me that "love" doesn't have any type of definition.
At all really.
You love someone at the start of a relationship- no.
Thats infatuation.
You most likely don't even know the person that well.
You have nothing, except the feel-good notion that everything is somewhat new.
You can't keep your hand off eachother, all you want to do is spend every second in their presence...
its all lusty infatuation.
Usually when the 'honeymoon' stage is over, you see the negatives to that person, but in the last 3-9 months that you've known them, you've developed a friendship.
So, naturally, you feel the need to care for this person- yet the newness has been worn off.
You fight, argue-
before you know it, you're too deep in.
There's created baggage between you, though you won't or refuse to recognize it until forced to.
You have to care for this person because of what you once had.
- This is my biggest fear.
I absolutely hate it.
Things just running out of energy&life.
Thats when the grass starts looking alot greener on the other side.
and what if the other person doesn't feel the same way?
viceversa.
This scares me.
Its like a circle of unrealistic scenarios.
Maybe its because I haven't seen it, but relationships never last.
Everyone 'moves on' and leaves.
People do terrible things to each other.
To the people they 'love'.
I'm scared.
I guess that's the word I'll use... for lack of a better term.
I'm scared to death.



































 

Pringles and Shots.

/SAdhfjkasghldkgjljksdaghas;kghkjhsa.
So much going through my mind!

I have 14 days left until I'm a senior and I LOVELOVELOVE it.
Summer means so much... good & bad...and I'm a little apprehensive. I need a job. I need a car. I can't wait to spend all day in the sun. This year is also going to be different for many reasons. I actually have to figure alot of things out. Like... what I'm doing with my life, who I might spend it with, where I'll be doing all of this at. Scary and exciting at the same time.
I love my life though... don't get me wrong. There isn't anything I would change. Well, almost. I'm so dreading Samuel leaving for NC for two months. We're in the honeymoon-so-in-love phase of our relationship and everything is beautiful and I'm afraid this may mess things up. I pray it doesn't, but you can't ever be sure of the unknown. Two months is a long time in general, but two months of summer is even longer. We're not bad people, but we are human. Two months, four states away, constantly surrounded by other people... Its scary. I sure as hell know neither of us want hurt, but sometimes circumstances are everything. I love the kid to death, I do. But especially when ALL of your friends are in relationships... its really hard to not have the person you love there too. Its a bit of a gamble. You kinda put your heart on the line with distance, especially this early in a relationship. To be honest, It really scares me. At the same time.... this is something so good. Samuel James, you are everything I could ask for and more. You make me the happiest. But, thats about all I have to say right now.

Sunshine

muscles.

Who the fuck are you to look me in the eyes and lie to me for a fucking year. You disgust me. You are a pig. Scum. Lower than fucking dirt. I can't comprehend how you can fuck someone, with full knowledge that saving it for us to have together was one of the most important aspects of our entire relationship. Worse part is, I gave you chances to tell me. I looked you dead in the eyes and asked you, pleaded, begged you to tell me the truth. You didn't even have enough respect to fucking even give me that. All the while telling me, I need to be a better fucking girlfriend. I NEEDED to put out. That you loved me. That you protected me. That you respected me. That you would never hurt me. What a fucking joke. I regret every I love you. Every I trust you. Every plan. Every memory. At this point, I'm done crying for you. Because I fucking deserve better than your life will even come close to giving me. I thank God above I never gave you all of me. I knew it. I knew it all along and I couldn't bring myself to admit it because I was willing to forgive and forget. Because that's what fucking love does to you. It fucking blinds you. All the cliches, sayings... they're not just bullshit. Its the fucking truth.Too bad for you. I hope you feel like shit for the rest of your life. I hope you never live this down. No, I don't have to wish this upon you, karma's got you taken care of. Trust me. In the end, I win. I didn't lose something irreplaceable to fuck a cunt who meant nothing. I didn't and don't have to live with a guilty conscience. I don't have to have your whole family know about my faults. I don't have to live every motherfucking day knowing that I lost the best thing that ever happened to me. I see who you really are now and, I don't know you. You're not who I fell for. But, I guess he left a long time ago.  I hope it gives you pure hell to watch the best thing you ever had walk away. I get to walk away with the satisfaction that I didn't bend my values to your selfishness. I get to know that even with all of the great memories and feelings you gave me, someone else can give me that better than you. I don't feel sad. I'm not angry. I don't even want revenge. I feel sorry for you, and that tops every other emotion. I'll forever be the-one-who-got-away. Eat your heart out.

song.

Hard as these past few days have been, its a damn good thing. I guess I'd forgotten who I was.
I'm the happy one.
I'm the carefree one.
I'm the one who loves to sing.
I'm the one who does what she pleases because it makes her happy and doesn't give a damn whether or not you like it. 
I'm the beautiful one.
I'm the happy one because I deserve it.
Nevermind my father called me a slut.
Nevermind my two year relationship wouldn't work because I wouldn't put out enough.
Nevermind my grades are lower than shit.
Fuck you.
I'm doing just fine.
I feel high. I feel light. I feel swell.
This past year already seems like a blur of gray. Plagued with some unsatisfied idea of rejection, hate, revenge, dullness. I almost forgot about every ambition I've ever had. I almost forgot about every passion I've held. All for what? Absolutely fucking nothing. I'm a hot mess of passion and feeling and I love it. I'm addicted to it. Ups and downs. I'm ready.
I want to live my life for me.
I want to walk the streets of New York City and spend every dime to my name.
I want a random hook up in Paris.
I want to get lost in a vineyard in Italy. 
I want to experience hunger and thirst in a third world country.
I want to sit alone in a bar and listen to anyone who wants to tell me a story.
I want to meet my hero.
I want to create something that will outlive me.
I can be inlove with me, and that can be enough.
I have no direction. I want the north as well as the east like west as bad as the south.
The best part of an end is the beginning.

Heroin.

Its that drowning feeling. Remember when you were little and that first time you swam in a large body of water. It was sink or swim. Win or fail. Live or die. Gain or lose. The water reached your neck as you panic, but you're still a head above danger. You start to move every muscle in your body in search of stability, a safe place. Random movements and uncoordinated motions only sink you faster. It seems like a life time has gone by in those few short seconds when you wonder if you're going to get out alive. Somehow, some way, the littlest of progress is made by the largest movements. In a mess of water, gasping for air and blurred vision... your fingers touch something besides liquid. In that tenth of a second as your finger swipes the gritty edge the first tangible, stable, sturdy savior. The best feeling in the world. Life says, well, look at this little fucker, hes going to be alright.
I'm the kid drowning. I want this. No, I need this. I'm going to drown without this. I'm a blind, blurred mess of a frantic child searching for a lifeline. Be it love, faith, peace. I'm searching for something. Real. Pure. In every area of my life, I'm being carried further out into deep water.
I need to put every means of my existence into staying above my personal death.